This Is A MotherF@$%ing Blog

I use this thing to whine and vent so much, and I appreciate everyone who reads and comments. And guys, if you don't want to, i obviously cannot force you, but if you guys would leave comments with your names, that would really help me, because attaching thoughts to a face makes it easier to interpret them. But please, do whatever you are comfortable with.

Good things have been happening, lately. Well... bad things too, but I am not going to pay those any attention. Fuck those things.

I have newly re-gained self-confidence. If you are a woman and you even suspect I think you are attractive, you should prepare to get flirted with. And if you area guy, and you even suspect I dislike you, prepare to get your ass handed to you intellectually and then if you deem it necessary, physically.

I am in a mood to hug someone with boobs and soft skin and the mood to punch someone hairy with a big mouth.

Look at him. He is just asking for it.

I'm sitting here. Slightly high. And all I can think about is how much I want to play Pokemon and have sex. Traditionally, people who day dream about both of those only get to do one, but I am hoping for both.

I don't know if enough people read this or not, but next time I write, I will answer, honestly, any question that is asked of me in the comments for this. Just sounds likes something fun to do.

My Failed Attempts to End Loneliness

I haven't written anything in a long time, because I assumed that no one cared. I found out someone did care, at least a little. I am sorry to anyone else who potentially cared.

I think a lot of people that know me, and I mean REALLY know me, know that I am really lonely. I have friends, but I am lonely on a deeper level. Basically, I really wish I could fall in love. It is really lame and cheesy. I know. It is just how I feel.

Before very recently, I lacked the backbone to even talk to a girl. I almost wish I had never developed that backbone. I have Asperger's which means I cannot properly communicate with people. Over the past few months, I have had my first 3, genuine infatuations and my first 3, true failures.

First was Kristen. Not much to it, I guess. I have written about this plenty. It was only a partial failure on my part and mainly a fault of juxtaposition.

Second was Ashley. She was the first and only person I ever met with Asperger's. Super nice. Super beautiful. Lot's in common. I felt comfortable with her, so I asked her relatively quickly, at least quickly for my awkward self. She said no. She was nice. She is a good friend now. I am not remorseful about it.

Last was Nicki. I wrote her, explaining how I felt (it was smooth if I say so myself), and I asked for her number. She gave it to me. I really fucked up there. I didn't act properly. I tried texting her, and it was really lame. I even knew she hates texting. I am and was just too terrified to actually call. I don't know if my chance is gone or not, but it probably is and I am not going to make a fool of myself. I feel really bad about this one. She is really cool and unbelievably beautiful. I've been doing my best to at least be her friend, since she is so awesome.

I blame most of my failure on how awkward I am. I try not to be, but it ends in perpetual failure. I also blame some of it on simply being unattractive. It also probably has something to do with not being very confident. I don't know how many women actually read my blog but if there are any....which of those problems do you think it is?

I Suuuuuuck At

I have absolutely nothing to say, but this is an acknowledgment, that I saw the most recent comment on my last post. I will actually write something tomorrow, but after almost 2 months, it is probably way too late.
And even if it may be futile, I will check back every day.

I Love Super Sentai

If we are friends on Facebook, which we likely are, since you are reading this, you may have noticed that for the last 36 days, I have been working on a picture album that is very near and dear to my nerdy heart. What I have done is compiled a miniature encyclopedia of the 35 Super Sentai of Japan. You can see it here. It covers everything from the first sentai, Himitsu Sentai Goranger, all the way up to new, anniversary series Kaizoku Sentai Gokaiger.

Goranger - Gokaiger

Unless you are as big of a nerd as I am, you are probably wondering "What is Super Sentai? Is it just Power Rangers?". I will answer the second question first, since it is the easiest. The short answer is no. The long answer is that Super Sentai, while stylistically similar to Power Rangers, is different in its tone and character/story depth. Let me give you an example:

In the original Power Rangers, the story was that the evil witch Rita Repulsa and her minions were sealed away by Zordon, because she is evil. She has no motivation; she is just evil. In the series it is based on, Kyoryuu Sentai Zyuranger, the evil witch Bandora was sealed away by the wizard Barza, when she tried to kill the dinosaurs, because a Tyrannosaurus inadvertently killed her son. This sent the once good woman into a rage. Here is another example from the same two series: In Power Rangers, the Green Ranger is a teenager who moves to town and becomes evil for a short time, when Rita places a spell on him. In Zyuranger, the green ranger is Burai, Geki's (red ranger) brother, who is resentful for being raised by their father's enemy. Rather than losing his powers like the green ranger, Burai dies.

In terms of demographic appeal, think of Super Sentai as more of a Simpsons than a Power Rangers (obviously not content-wise). It, like the Simpsons, appeals to people of most ages.

In order to answer the second question, allow me to give a brief history of Super Sentai. The first two Super Sentai were Himitsu Sentai Goranger and Dengekitai JAKQ. These were created by Shotaro Ishinomori, in 1975 and 1977. They were the origin of the team of super heroes aspect, that is in all following Super Sentai series. In 1978, Marvel Comics teamed-up with Toei Productions to create a live-action Spider-Man to air in Japan. For some weird (read: awesome) reason, Spider-Man piloted a giant robot, in this series. After this series, Marvel once again approached Toei to do a Captain America adaptation, with the same director, Saburo Yatsude. Things fell through and Yatsude ended up creating Battle Fever J, which is the first Super Sentai to have a giant robot. Essentially, Spider-Man and Marvel as a whole are responsible for Super Sentai AND Power Rangers existing in the form we know them in. Every series afterwards has kept the two, defining aspects of Super Sentai: a team of color-coded heroes and a giant robot.

I think sums it all up. I guess to end it, I will leave you with what amounts to the Alphabet Song of Super Sentai.

Super Special Awesome - J & Other Stuff

I'm going to start listing what I am listening to as I write, since I am always listening to SOMETHING.

WIALT: Stand Up & Scream (2009) - Asking Alexandria

The past few days have been amazing. In the months before, I found myself crying out of sadness and loneliness. Now, I find myself crying because things have 180'ed so much, and I am happy.

I think the thing that matters to me most is that "J", has talked to me, a little bit. I have no idea how it is that she feels, but I will take it where ever she wants. I doubt we will ever be where we were before. It is sad but to be expected; it would be silly to expect anyone to trust me, after that. Though, me being the emotionally spastic person that I am, easily forgives anything; she is very sweet, but I doubt she is so forgiving (I wish she were). I think I explained how I felt when it happened, but I am going to explain to everyone again, now that I have had a chance to heal and think.

I felt as though I had been fundamentally betrayed by my best friend. I wanted to hurt her equally, so I did the worst thing I could think of. I over-reacted. I would never have dreamed of hurting her at all, under any other circumstance. I'm a loyal person; I swear. I just...am a crazy, vengeful bastard, and I hate myself for it.

Since she doesn't feel comfortable talking to me any other way, I will relay everything to her via blog, until she feels more comfortable.

This bit is just to her:

I'm pretty sure you don't trust me. I don't think you like me very much. I don't know how much you are capable of or willing to trust and love me again, but I want you to know that just a short time after everything happened, I went back to feeling exactly how I always had. You probably perceive that as being silly or stupid, but it is what happened. It's the reason half my blog is about you; venting was the only thing that made it work for me. Anyway... I love you, and I will talk to you whenever and however you want. I really, really hope things can get-- past this bit where you feel uncomfortable and maybe even to where things are at least a tiny bit like before. I am very happy you are giving me a chance, and I want you to know that everything is up to you. We'll become exactly as close as you want. LOVE <3

Last and least, I have been playing Pokemon White and listening to lots of deadmau5. These things are just icing on my redemption cake.

...It's a cheesecake. ...I don't know why a cheesecake has icing.

/bad metaphor

Now if you will excuse me, I am going to go look at kitteh roulette (thank you, J).

Desperation & A Lack of Resolution

Let me preface all of this with stating that coherently organizing and expressing emotions is incredibly difficult, nigh impossible, when you have both manic depression and autism, so even I am not sure about how representative what I am going to say will be of my true feelings. Also, I have a really bad joke I plan to make, in order to keep this readable so... sorry for that one in advance. =D

Yesterday, I realized that I had comments on mah blog from "J". Now, because I am the sherlock-esque master of mystery solving that I am, I have deduced that there is a 90% probability that it is, in fact, the person I refer to from time-to-time as J. Why 90%? Because I pulled that out of my ass. If you want an answer that is not from my ass, then I will just say that more likely than not, it is. And really, how many people do you know that go by one letter for a name?

I can think of 1

Why do I care so much? Because while I had buried the internal strife I had over that, it was really just covered in a layer of dust created by time, rather than any actual, emotional closure. I would just text J and ask but I technically promised to never text her again, so... I can't. However, whomever the mystery commenter is will see this, if they read this blog. I am not sure whether I want it to actually be her or not. However, I guess that if the pain of it all is still fresh in my heart after this much time, my feelings for her were deeply ingrained, so overall, I hope it is her.

So, if you read this and it is you...please reply so at the very least, I can stop stressing. Because you know me; I will stress about this; forever. I am emotionally irrational.

Something I Actually Care About - J

I-- think I should read my blog comments more. I just read a comment, and when I did, I did this:

It was from "J". Now I ask you, is the the same J that I refer to as J? And if it is... Am I allowed to speak to you again?

What I've Been Up To

Wow... I haven't written anything in 2 weeks. On the off-chance anyone actually reads this on a regular basis, I am sorry. I guess I will just catch everyone up on my going-on, and to be honest, it isn't very much.

Last Saturday, my cousin, Amanda, picked me up, and I went to stay with her. I was supposed to stay for a while, but I got sick and came home early. She was mad at me... ...Wouldn't even hug me bye... T_T I'm a little hurt by that but whatevs. I love her, and I got over it.

That is all of importance. In less important news, I watched and finished a show that I REALLY liked, called Kaze no Stigma. It is about a man named Kazuma Yagami who was kicked out of his family for not being able to use "fire magic". While away, he contracts the power of the spirit king of wind and comes back more powerful than anyone of his family. I recommend it to anyone who doesn't have a problem with cold-hearted characters. This show had me on the edge of my seat sometimes and in tears others.

Finally, I have a poll for you all. I plan to do a write-up on the results, one week from today. (I couldn't get the poll to work, so please answer this in the comments)

Is there a god?

Things Went Wrong

Hi, everyone. I am sorry for not writing in a while, but things have gone-- terrible. So let's get on with what has happened.

On Wednesday morning, I found out that my cousin had passed away. He choked to death in his sleep. I don't know the specifics, but it seems like he either was overly-inebriated or over-dosed. He was 27.

We were not especially close, but he is family and someone I knew from my earliest memories. I love him and miss him. Everyone does. Rest in peace, Jason. He left behind His parents, his sister, and his son Jayden. I am sorry you have to grow up without your daddy.

To sort of get my head into something else, I went to stay with my uncle (a different uncle from Jason's father) and went to my little cousin's 5th birthday party. For the most part, it made me feel better. There were still moments where I found myself crying, but I think it was better than it could have been.

I got to see my cousin Amanda and her new baby Cynthia, at the party. I love Amanda, and I hadn't seen her in a while. It was my first time seeing Cynthia, and she is just utterly adorable. Both of them brightened up this bleak time, for me.

I don't know how to end something like this so pardon this abrupt ending.

I Am Disgusted

This is going to be a fairly serious post about something that I have noticed a lot of lately, so be forewarned.

The other day, I was watching an episode of 'Judge Judy' (don't laugh). There was a girl being sued, because she was renting an apartment, and she let her boyfriend in, who often threw her through the walls, damaging the property. It's even sadder because she seemed to genuinely love him.

There is NOTHING in the world that I consider more important than love. For someone to take that love and-- not only disregard it but abuse someone that loves them is disgusting.

I've only ever known 2 people that have had to put up with domestic abuse. When I found out about the first one, I was too young to do anything about it. When I found out about the second one, she refused to tell me his name. And I swear to you that if I knew it, he would be dead, and I don't mean that as a figure of speech.

I wish there was some job I could get where my job is solely to kick the shit out of those pathetic pieces of scum. There aren't too many things that make me mad, but this is at the top of the list.

I know everyone hates domestic violence, but I think it should bother men the most. Usually men are the perpetrators of it, and it makes men as a whole look bad. We should all do whatever we can to stop it. There is NOTHING in the world that would make me raise my hand to a woman I love or my own child.

I was going to talk about something else too, but I am too worked-up over this, so I will leave you with this song.

Music I Love Interspersed With My Life

First off, this blog post will be music-centric, so if you aren't in a music mood, you should won't enjoy this. I'm going to give yo a song and then give you a bit of something random I want to talk about. It is a good way to tie together a bunch of ideas that aren't good enough for their own posts, eh? And the song will relate to the mood of the bit following it.

I want to start this off with a really-- different song. It sounds older than it is, and it REALLY gets me pumped.

That song is called 'Number One'. It is by Hazel Fernandez, and I found it via the Bleach soundtrack. It is a bit different from the music I normally listen to, but I really love it.

As I said before, I have been playing Pokemon Fire Red, again. It reminds me of when I was younger, playing Pokemon Red, for the first time. The nostalgic feeling just makes me feel so happy! I've got about 13 hours in it, and I am almost done. ^_^

This song is a cover of Akon's 'Right Now' by Asking Alexandria. I only know about this song and this band because of Kristen, who incidentally, this next part is about. --It's her favorite band and my second favorite.

I miss her and everything still, but I am not crying all the time, like I used to. She was my friend and I love(d) her. I've been talking to both Amanda and Mike about my desire to try and talk to her again. They both say I am an idiot for wanting that, but I don't particularly care. I miss her, and the heart wants what the heart wants.

This last song is 'Shut Your Mouth' by Attack Attack!. It sounds a bit different for Attack Attack!, but I love it.

The last thing I want to talk about is just how appreciative I am of all my friends. You're all really awesome. Not much else to say; just that you all make me very happy!

Alright. Let me know what you think of this format. I really just wanted an excuse to use so much music. I love music! But it was also important to me to get that second thing off my chest.

Til' next time!

Titles Are Hard

Hey! This has been a pretty decent week for me, especially when you compare it to the hellish and depressing month I have had. There are a few things that make this week so good. Mind if I share?

First off, I have started enjoying the simple things again. For example, I spent most of today playing Pokemon Fire Red and listening to I See Stars' new album, 'The End of the World Party'. Which, by the way, is AMAZING. It's a really small and simple thing, but it makes me so happy.

Second, I have been talking to my cousin, Amanda, about my problems. She is really sweet and helpful, and has been helping me deal with the situation between myself and 'J'. She has really made me feel better about it. I still miss 'J', but I am not as sad, anymore.

Third, Mike and I decided to go to Warped Tour, together. It isn't until July 7th, but it is nice to have something fun to look forward to. I'm hoping other people we know decide to go too. Mike is fun but 'the more, the merrier'. I just REALLY want to see Of Mice & Men preform. Bands are still being added, though, and I am hopeful to see Asking Alexandria, Attack Attack!, or I See Stars added.

Finally, I am supposed to hang out with my cousin, Chase, this weekend. He is awesome to hang out with, and I had been planning on doing nothing, before, so this is a nice change.

I think I shall leave you with an unintentionally hilarious euro-pop hit.

Something Short

It's a bit late, but before I go to bed I want to get something off my chest.

I've been talking to my cousin, Amanda, lately. She's been trying to help me figure out a problem that I have written about before (probably too many times). She is a very smart, insightful, and sweet person, so it helps a lot. This morning we had a bit of a fight. I was sort of being a dick about her theological beliefs. I didn't mean to upset her. She is family, and I love her.

It's just that-- I tend to get worked up when discussing theology. I really didn't want to hurt her feelings. Lots of people have been getting mad at me lately. I guess it must be me. Anyway, I want to use this post to apologize to EVERYONE who thinks I have said or done something mean to them, this month, especially Amanda. (She has helped me immensely with my problem).

To end, music!

Is There Something Wrong With Me?

I have two question, for everyone reading this. Am I a douche? Do I seem-- gay? Allow me to explain why I ask.

I'll explain the latter, first. Several people have told me that I do seem gay. Mike sincerely thought I was; Kristen, gave me shit for worrying about my hair-- but then she said my voice was nice, so I think that almost balances out; my cousin, Amanda, said the same thing about my hair, and according to her, my unwillingness to frequently objectify women is a homosexual trait. I thought I was just being respectful... Do I need to be more masculine? I am perfectly capable of doing so; I just thought people didn't like that. I thought it came off douchey. What am I supposed to do?

For the second thing, I'm not really sure. People just seem to WANT to have a problem with me. I don't try to make people not like me. I like most people. Who would want to be a bad person. So-- Am I mean or something?

Finally, song:

Do You Remember...

I've been a little (lot) depressed, lately. It's because I've been missing someone. Anyway, I've been listening to this song.

It's a beautiful song about love. This situation in the song is an old, married couple, but I think the message holds true for love both romantic and friendly. Love is awesome. Don't squander it.

If you're reading this, then you're probably someone that I love, at least a little.

♥

And to the person that I miss:

♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥

A Letter

I am going to write a letter. I promised to not talk to her directly, so maybe if I put this out there, she might stumble upon it. I don't know. Probably not, but it makes me feel better. Unless you are her or are just nosy, you probably won't want t keep reading. I'll just use her middle initial, in case she would rather I not talk about her on the internet.

Dear J,

I'm sorry for what I did. I wasn't thinking. I wanted to make you mad, but I didn't want to destroy our friendship. You were my best friend. Knowing you meant a lot to me. You made me smile, a lot. You're kind, intelligent, and understanding.

You're the only person I've ever known that understands my fucked-up mind, at all. We didn't get to hang out much; I regret that. I only ever hugged you once; I regret that even more. You have no idea how much I appreciated knowing you. You know I was a depressed person before, but since that happened, I have been almost non-functional. I don't deserve any better though. I did something terrible to a wonderful person.

You affected me pretty heavily. Because I met you, the way I perceived the world and the emotions of others differently. My own feelings became more complex. I tried different things and found I liked them, in an attempt to get to know you; Harry Potter, Metalcore, The Catcher in the Rye. I have so many things now that remind me of you. Looking around my own room has become painful. The Christmas present I was never able to give you is in the corner. I don't know what I am going to do with it. I'm sorry I never gave it to you. I'm a dumbass.

I would like to think you enjoyed know me, if just a little. I wish I could make it up to you. I would do anything. I'm so sorry. I miss your friendship.

Ya tebya lublu.

With love,

Roddy

Gooooookaiger!

At 7:30 am, Japanese Standard Time, a new series premiered. It was the premier of Kaizoku Sentai Gokaiger (海賊戦隊ゴーカイジャー - Pirate Team Gokaiger). This season marks the 35th anniversary of Toei's Super Sentai series. If you don't know what Super Sentai is, just think Power Rangers, for simplicity's sake.

How are they making this season special to commemorate this anniversary? They are going ALL out, for this one. The premise of the series is that the Zangak Space Empire has sealed away the powers of the 34 previous Super Sentai teams. The Gokaiger are capable of using these powers and can transform into old Super Sentai teams. Cool, right? If you are even sort of a fan of Sentai OR Power Rangers, you see that this will make for some cool things.

I am about to link you to a VERY large poster, that lists all the previous teams, for those that don't know. I will transliterate their names below and write what, if any Power Rangers season it became. POSTER

(Left to right, top to bottom)

Goranger, JAKQ, Battle Fever J, Denjiman, Sun Vulcan, Goggle Five, Dynaman, Bioman, Changeman, Flashman, Maskman, Liveman, Turboranger, Fiveman, Jetman, Zyuranger (Mighty Morphin Power Rangers), Dairanger, Kakkuranger (Alien Rangers), Ohranger (Zeo), CarRanger (Turbo), MegaRanger (In Space), Gingaman (Lost Galaxy), GoGo Five (Lightspeed Rescue), Time Ranger (Time Force), Gao Ranger (Wild Force), Hurricanger (Ninja Storm), Abaranger (Dino Thunder), Dekranger (SPD), Magiranger (Mystic Force), Boukenger (Operation Over Drive), Gekiranger (Jungle Fury), Go-onger (RPM), Shinkenger (Samurai), Goseiger

Whoo! That was the most Japanese I have read in months (I am lazy).

I don't want to give away too much, but the teams they turned into, this episode are as follows:

Goranger!

Shinkenger

Magiranger

All-in-all, it was an AMAZING first episode. I'll leave you with its opening theme. ENJOY!

Self-Torture, I Changed Some Stuff, & Titles Are Hard

I admit, I have been torturing myself emotionally, lately. I've written several times about something unfortunate that happened, last week. You can read about it HERE.

When you have a friend, you usually make an effort to try things they like, right? I do that rather intensely. I also did it, in this situation. For example, in November, I read the entire Harry Potter series, because it is her favorite series of books. The day before the events chronicled in the aforementioned post, I bought 'The Catcher in the Rye", her favorite stand-alone book.

I looked at it today and thought "I bought it. I might as well read it.". It's a fine book. The problem is that the entire time, I can't help but think about conversations I had with her, relating to the book. In the end, I am just thinking about what was our friendship, in general. I-- have a lot of things sitting around that specifically remind me of her. I'm not sure what to do about it.

Kittens make happy transitions easier

Oh, look a that! A new topic!

I changed the comments. You SHOULDN'T have to sign-up or do the captcha thing. If you do...someone tell me. No excuse now. I DEMAND comments-- pweez?

To finish things off, the song for this post:

The song this time is 'A Single Moment of Sincerity' by Asking Alexandria. This song DOES related to the post, in some way. ...It's her favorite song. This will PROBABLY be the last post about this. I just need to get it all out of my system.

Either way, it is a damn good song.

Until next time, toodles.

I Am A Nerd -- Go, Go Samurai & Polaris

Due to popular (one comment left by Bryan) demand, I will be doing another nerd segment.

And come on guys! I know you read this. I see the numbers. I average about 25 views on each post. Not amazing, but it would be nice to hear from people other than Bryan. By the way Bryan, I appreciate your feedback. (Bryan's main blog can be found HERE)

"Rangers together, Samurai forever!"

The premiere episode of Power Rangers Samurai aired on Monday. It started off with an AWESOME remix of the original theme song.

The episode opened up in what I think many would consider a weird spot. We are just thrown into the characters, without an introduction. The series is supposed to correspond almost directly to its sentai counter-part. Oddly, this episode corresponded to episode 3 of Samurai Sentai Shinkenger, not episode 1. As an episode, it was average Power Ranger fare. The rangers had a bit of internal conflict, a monster showed up, and somehow that monster's appearance helped them resolve their problem. As an introduction to the series, it was terrible. Everything had to be inferred. I am not one for being force-fed information, but this is a show for KIDS. At least explain how their powers work.

If you missed the episode, it re-airs on February 11th, on Nick, at 8 pm Eastern.

Onto the next thing, eh? I've been watching a new (new to me but quite old) show. There is a hint in the title of this post. If you can't get it from this, here is another:

Yep. I have been watching Fist of the North Star. Being the massive pile of testosterone that I am AND a huge anime fan, it is amazing that I am just now watching this classic.

For those who don't know, Fist of the North Star is about a man named Kenshiro who is a wanderer in the post-apocalyptic world. He has a fuzzy but violent back story, and he is a man of honor, saving a littler girl's life in the first episode. What makes him so formidable? Simple, he is a master of Hokuto Shinken (北斗神拳 - Divine Fist of the North Star). In short... he makes heads explode. It is a great show, and I highly recommend it to anyone who likes a good story and doesn't mind some violence. You can find it HERE, on Hulu.

Also, it has an AMAZING theme song!

This has been a rather music-intense post, with all the theme songs, huh? Well, I have one more for you. Time now for this post's end song.

This song is called 'Second & Sebring'. It is preformed by my all-time favorite band, Of Mice & Men. This isn't my favorite song by them (that is for another post), but it is probably their most widely appealing.

I am excited to get feedback on the song and the post as a whole.

Until next time!

これはタイトルです。

My eyes hurt. That is irrelevant to this post, though.

I've been trying to come up with ideas for series of posts. I was hoping anyone that actually reads these could give me some feed back, in the comments. I am going to explain each idea below. Feel free to respond.

1. Skience

So, I think most people know that I love me some science. I was thinking of doing a series of posts where I explain why I love it and maybe take questions from those that are too lazy to gooogle the answers, on their own.

2. Theology Proofs

I am already working on deciphering Godel's ontological proof. I thought people might enjoy me looking into other theological proofs. Eh?

3. Nerd Shutff

Did you like the last post I did about nerd-type things? Would you be interested in more?

I think I would like to start ending every post with music. It won't always correlate to the post itself or my mood, but it may sometimes.

This song is called "I Swear I'll Change", by Attack Attack! No, I am not THAT excited about the song. Their name just has an "!". I don't really know WHY I picked this song. It was playing, when I was in the shower, and I thought "Other people should hear this".

Do you like the inclusion of a song? I am DYING for your approval. O_<

I Am Going to Mope-- Be Aware of That, Then Other Stuff Happens

This is going to reference an older post. I'm not a big fan of summaries, so HERE is the whole post.

It's been a week-- a week since I messed up. Nothing is better. I didn't expect the situation to improve, but I had hoped that maybe it could think about it and be bothered by it a little less. I don't think there is too much left I can say. I just like to get how I feel out there. In simplest terms, how I feel = bad. Obviously, it is more complicated than that, but I'm no poet, and only a poet can do complex feelings justice.

I like to add music to these things, so here is a song that I think encompasses my feelings. Obviously it isn't exact, because it is rare to find a song you completely relate with. The situation may not be the same but the emotions are.

I should talk about something else, yeah?

Oh! I found this rainy thing: here. It's preeeetty soothing. I am listening to it right now. It was the only way I could calm down enough to put my thoughts in order. You should maybe use it too, eh?

TRANSITION

I know. You are impressed by my transition. I came up with that, all by myself. You may be asking yourself "Self, what has Roddy transitioned TO?". To you I say "Why are you talking to yourself?", but after I finish mocking your schizophrenia, I give you a real answer. The answer is this:

Amazing, yah? Jina showed it to me. It is so freakin' adorable or as the creator might say "ちょーかわいい". It just makes me happy.

I believe that is all for now. さよなら

I Am A Nerd -- Here Are Some Nerd Things

I think everyone that knows me know that I am a nerd. A Big nerd. I think I will just share some of my nerdiness with you all.

Let's ease into the nerdiness by combining anime with metal, where I will give a super brief review of a song. This song is called "F", and it is by a band called Maximum The Hormone. For those of you who aren't aware, my favorite cartoon is Dragonball, and my favorite character is Freeza. Why am I telling you this? Because that is what this song is about. Yes. A metal band wrote a song about Freeza.

"Freeza wants YOU to listen to this song"

Now, this song doesn't come straight out and SAY it is about my beloved Freeza. Let's look at the lyrics, and I will prove it to you. "Furou fushi motome namekkusei idou" (Searching for eternal life, he came to Namek); Here it is talking about how someone came to the fictional planet of Namek, looking for immortality. Only one person has ever done that; Freeza. "Sono ni no ude pink pink pink" (His upper arms are pink, pink, pink); do I need to explain this? Look at the picture. "Sentouryoku gojuusanman" (Battle power 530,000); You know who has a battle power of 530,000? Yeah, you do. Believe me yet?

All-in-all, it is an excellent song. Not only is it excellent at balancing traditional vocals with screaming and includes awesome instrumentation, but it has an actual message. If you read the lyrics in the video I am about to throw in, you can see how it criticizes the cruelty of the world's governments.

Next bit of nerd business to attend to is-- Power Rangers Samurai is on tomorrow. >.<

This season, the 18th, is based off of the sentai series 'Samurai Sentai Shinkenger'. These might be spoilers, so... I guess you might want to skip this if you don't want to hear even the vaguest of plot details. I don't know that this is all accurate to the Power Rangers version, but from what I have read, they are very similar, so I am going to go over the basics of the sentai.

The characters in Shinkenger all have powers based around a different element. They harness these elements by using kanji (Japanese characters based on the Chinese writing system). The symbols they use are 火(fire), 水(water), 土(earth), 天(heaven), 木(wood), and later on 光(light). Their organization has lived for centuries, protecting the world from the Geddoushuu (ge-doe-shoo). I think that is all I should give, but definitely check it out tomorrow.

The very last thing I want to bore you with is the thing I am most excited about. Wait for it-- Pokemon Black and White come out in exactly 28 days! Yay! I played through a bit, on a Japanese copy of the game, but at the time, my Japanese was-- un-good, so I didn't get far. From what I DID play, it is a great set of games. The games take place in the Unova region, which is completely separate from where the previous 4 games took place. This area is based off of New York City. The game has 156 new pokemon (complete list). Not much to say about this. I'm just EXICTED ^_^

Too many pictures in this post? Let me know, because I was a bit iffy about separating each topic with an image. And now for the traditional end-of-post-funny-video:

On Confrontation, Regret & Forgiveness - 2 In 1 Day?!

Yep. I am making a second post today. I figure talking about what has been bothering me, in at least a round-about way, might make me feel better. You are lucky today, people. You get to be privy to a small portion of the heavily shielded mess that is my emotions, that only one person, aside from myself, has ever been privy to before. Congratulate yourselves.

I'm not going to say who, but if you know me well you already know who/what this post is about. I'm not writing of this to be spiteful or anything; writing it all out is just the only thing that has even a remote shot of making me feel better.

I am not a confrontational person. I will never start a fight or an argument. However, if one is brought to me, I will see it through to its fullest. It is my ego that causes that. When I am wrong, I will admit it, and when I am right, I will never stop arguing my point. This time, I was right in my premise but even I must reject my own course of action.

Trust is the thing that I, above all else, hold to be important. I don't really place my trust in anyone. If you feel like I even trust you a little bit, it means I like you a lot. This person allowed me to place my trust in her completely, for a long while. I both cared for and trusted her deeply. I often told her incredibly private things with the proviso that they be kept just that; private.

In all honesty, I have never cared about a friend, or anyone for that matter, as much as I cared about her. So when it came to my attention that she had been telling someone everything I said, I was beyond hurt. If pain and rage had a baby and then that baby was hooked on steroids, that would be the emotion I felt.

This whole thing came out during what, when it began, I assumed was an innocuous conversation on her Facebook wall. Apparently one of her friends was standing over her shoulder reading it. She then, for what reason I cannot possibly imagine, decided that typing out the insults of her friend in her stead would be the appropriate thing to do. I argued back, not really taking it seriously though. Her leprechaun-like boyfriend (the one whom she thought it would be ok to betray my trust to) eventually joined in, though. The whole thing escalated from there, between he and I.

He thought that insulting and mocking me would be the best route for him to take. I won't go into the details of that was said at this point, but they served as a sufficient stimulus to blind me with rage. Based on the context of the argument, I decided that plastering her naked across the internet would be the most effective means of shutting them all up. It did.

I wanted to hurt her. I truly did, at that moment. I wanted to shut he and his malformed accusations up. I succeeded. I succeeded too well at the first goal. I over-reacted. I should have done things completely differently. Given the opportunity, I would undo it all. I would accept the mockery and accusations. Yes, she betrayed me, but I didn't even bother to talk it over with her. I am a terrible person.

I don't deserve forgiveness at all. I want it badly, but I accept that I don't deserve it. I've been crying all day. That is what I deserve. -- In the end, I still care about her. She betrayed me in the end, but before that she did so much for me. She is a sweet person. Knowing her was the greatest pleasure in my life.

Now to end on something happy:

Dreams and Other Shtuff

About 3 weeks ago, I began taking antidepressants. Aside from the delightful, primary benefit of a stable mood, I've also noticed another side-effect. For the vast duration of my life, I'v either not had dreams or not remembered them. Since beginning these antidepressants, I have had incredibly vivid, lucid dreams.

For those who aren't aware of what lucid dreaming is, a lucid dream is a dream where you become aware that you are dreaming and become capable of controlling it. There are multiple techniques for attaining the ability to do this at will ( feel free to check out Lucidipedia for info on mastering this skill). I've always been interested in being able to do it, but no matter how hard I tried, I could never quite get it perfect. Although the drugs have granted me some level of lucidity, it isn't perfect, and it takes me a few hours to figure it out.

Last night, I had a rather interesting dream. I was in a building that was some odd amalgamation of every school I have ever gone to. I was-- sliding around on my ass, apparently ignoring friction, cause you know... dream logic. It seemed like I was just wandering aimlessly, without motivation, for hours. I then remembered that I attend none of these schools, any longer. It was at this point that I realized I was dreaming and took control.

I-- can't mention what happened next, because it's just... well, I'm a pervert. I think that is sufficient explanation. But AFTER that, I got in a sword fight with the alien from Predator. I, as the kids say, "pwned him liek a n00b".

Pretty sweet dream, eh? Jealous much? I kid, I kid.

Sorry that this entry lack that certain lexical "je ne sais quoi" of my last post. I've been a bit-- off since yesterday, when I lost a dear friend, due to my own incompetence.

On a lighter note, I leave you with this hilarious mashup (nsfw audio):

I Have No Ideas

I think most of the people reading this already know who I am, and if you don't-- shame on you. I'm not quite sure how to get things started, on this blog. Hm... I know! I stole this one from Bryan, but I don't think he will mind (at least I hope not). How much does a polar bear weigh? Wait for it-- enough to break the ice! See what I did there? Bazinga!

I think I know what I can do. (I do apologize for the stream of consciousness style of my writing; that is just how I write). How about I talk about an awesome band I recently discovered? Everyone likes music.

Since I have become friends with Kristen, my musical tastes have changed, in my attempt to try things she likes. Not that I am pretending to like things; I just tried things I normally would not have given a chance. One of the greatest things to come from this is my love of Asking Alexandria (no, this isn't about them). Because of that, I follow Danny Worsnop on twitter (@DannyAFuckingA). On Friday he tweeted well... this:

This is the newest music video from a band called I Am Abomination. I tracked down their entire, newest album, 'To Our Forfathers'. This is a very impromptu review, so please forgive the 'abomination' that is to follow.

This song, 'Since 1776', is about the hypocrisy in the United States government. I don't COMPLETELY agree with the song's premise, but it certainly hold some valid notions. The song's statement is essentially this: the United States' government was created for the purpose of preserving its people, but this has reversed, now the people exist to preserve the government.

But I'm not here to talk about politics (even if I agree). I'm not really a critical person when it comes to music; I either like it or I don't. In short: this song and this band are amazing! Check out more of their stuff.

This entire post was written on a whim. I promise that whatever I write out in the future will be long and more well thought-out.

Until Next time!