I'm not going to say who, but if you know me well you already know who/what this post is about. I'm not writing of this to be spiteful or anything; writing it all out is just the only thing that has even a remote shot of making me feel better.
I am not a confrontational person. I will never start a fight or an argument. However, if one is brought to me, I will see it through to its fullest. It is my ego that causes that. When I am wrong, I will admit it, and when I am right, I will never stop arguing my point. This time, I was right in my premise but even I must reject my own course of action.
Trust is the thing that I, above all else, hold to be important. I don't really place my trust in anyone. If you feel like I even trust you a little bit, it means I like you a lot. This person allowed me to place my trust in her completely, for a long while. I both cared for and trusted her deeply. I often told her incredibly private things with the proviso that they be kept just that; private.
In all honesty, I have never cared about a friend, or anyone for that matter, as much as I cared about her. So when it came to my attention that she had been telling someone everything I said, I was beyond hurt. If pain and rage had a baby and then that baby was hooked on steroids, that would be the emotion I felt.
This whole thing came out during what, when it began, I assumed was an innocuous conversation on her Facebook wall. Apparently one of her friends was standing over her shoulder reading it. She then, for what reason I cannot possibly imagine, decided that typing out the insults of her friend in her stead would be the appropriate thing to do. I argued back, not really taking it seriously though. Her leprechaun-like boyfriend (the one whom she thought it would be ok to betray my trust to) eventually joined in, though. The whole thing escalated from there, between he and I.
He thought that insulting and mocking me would be the best route for him to take. I won't go into the details of that was said at this point, but they served as a sufficient stimulus to blind me with rage. Based on the context of the argument, I decided that plastering her naked across the internet would be the most effective means of shutting them all up. It did.
I wanted to hurt her. I truly did, at that moment. I wanted to shut he and his malformed accusations up. I succeeded. I succeeded too well at the first goal. I over-reacted. I should have done things completely differently. Given the opportunity, I would undo it all. I would accept the mockery and accusations. Yes, she betrayed me, but I didn't even bother to talk it over with her. I am a terrible person.
I don't deserve forgiveness at all. I want it badly, but I accept that I don't deserve it. I've been crying all day. That is what I deserve. -- In the end, I still care about her. She betrayed me in the end, but before that she did so much for me. She is a sweet person. Knowing her was the greatest pleasure in my life.
Now to end on something happy:
I haven't even watched the video yet - man, this is heavy.
ReplyDeleteI know all that happened, I saw the Facebook argument (I even comment a few times as I recall), I hate that little prick. I forget his name, but when I was in Brownsburg - he was like a small elf who had a cackle when he laughed. I never knew him, but always disliked him.
I didn't see the pictures, but this person told me about it a while after it happened. The thing is, it happened - it's going to be hard for you and even harder for her to let it go.
I think it's great that you're letting it out - venting doesn't work for everybody - but for me, it works wonders to just let everybody who cares know what's going on.
... ... ... Just watched the video! Hilarious!
Venting is the only thing that works for me. If I think on it, I end up going in circles on how I feel about it.
ReplyDeleteI've always hated him as well, since long before this. His attempts at wit aren't so enraging for their poignancy as much as they are for how malformed they are.
As much as I hate him, I will give him one thing; he makes her happy. I won't go into her private life, but I assure you that her finding someone in her life that keeps her happy is a big and welcomed change.
Do you mind if I ask who told you? I am not upset. I am just trying to figure out how widespread the whole thing became.