Desperation & A Lack of Resolution

Let me preface all of this with stating that coherently organizing and expressing emotions is incredibly difficult, nigh impossible, when you have both manic depression and autism, so even I am not sure about how representative what I am going to say will be of my true feelings. Also, I have a really bad joke I plan to make, in order to keep this readable so... sorry for that one in advance. =D

Yesterday, I realized that I had comments on mah blog from "J". Now, because I am the sherlock-esque master of mystery solving that I am, I have deduced that there is a 90% probability that it is, in fact, the person I refer to from time-to-time as J. Why 90%? Because I pulled that out of my ass. If you want an answer that is not from my ass, then I will just say that more likely than not, it is. And really, how many people do you know that go by one letter for a name?

I can think of 1

Why do I care so much? Because while I had buried the internal strife I had over that, it was really just covered in a layer of dust created by time, rather than any actual, emotional closure. I would just text J and ask but I technically promised to never text her again, so... I can't. However, whomever the mystery commenter is will see this, if they read this blog. I am not sure whether I want it to actually be her or not. However, I guess that if the pain of it all is still fresh in my heart after this much time, my feelings for her were deeply ingrained, so overall, I hope it is her.

So, if you read this and it is you...please reply so at the very least, I can stop stressing. Because you know me; I will stress about this; forever. I am emotionally irrational.

Something I Actually Care About - J

I-- think I should read my blog comments more. I just read a comment, and when I did, I did this:

It was from "J". Now I ask you, is the the same J that I refer to as J? And if it is... Am I allowed to speak to you again?

What I've Been Up To

Wow... I haven't written anything in 2 weeks. On the off-chance anyone actually reads this on a regular basis, I am sorry. I guess I will just catch everyone up on my going-on, and to be honest, it isn't very much.

Last Saturday, my cousin, Amanda, picked me up, and I went to stay with her. I was supposed to stay for a while, but I got sick and came home early. She was mad at me... ...Wouldn't even hug me bye... T_T I'm a little hurt by that but whatevs. I love her, and I got over it.

That is all of importance. In less important news, I watched and finished a show that I REALLY liked, called Kaze no Stigma. It is about a man named Kazuma Yagami who was kicked out of his family for not being able to use "fire magic". While away, he contracts the power of the spirit king of wind and comes back more powerful than anyone of his family. I recommend it to anyone who doesn't have a problem with cold-hearted characters. This show had me on the edge of my seat sometimes and in tears others.

Finally, I have a poll for you all. I plan to do a write-up on the results, one week from today. (I couldn't get the poll to work, so please answer this in the comments)

Is there a god?

Things Went Wrong

Hi, everyone. I am sorry for not writing in a while, but things have gone-- terrible. So let's get on with what has happened.

On Wednesday morning, I found out that my cousin had passed away. He choked to death in his sleep. I don't know the specifics, but it seems like he either was overly-inebriated or over-dosed. He was 27.

We were not especially close, but he is family and someone I knew from my earliest memories. I love him and miss him. Everyone does. Rest in peace, Jason. He left behind His parents, his sister, and his son Jayden. I am sorry you have to grow up without your daddy.

To sort of get my head into something else, I went to stay with my uncle (a different uncle from Jason's father) and went to my little cousin's 5th birthday party. For the most part, it made me feel better. There were still moments where I found myself crying, but I think it was better than it could have been.

I got to see my cousin Amanda and her new baby Cynthia, at the party. I love Amanda, and I hadn't seen her in a while. It was my first time seeing Cynthia, and she is just utterly adorable. Both of them brightened up this bleak time, for me.

I don't know how to end something like this so pardon this abrupt ending.

I Am Disgusted

This is going to be a fairly serious post about something that I have noticed a lot of lately, so be forewarned.

The other day, I was watching an episode of 'Judge Judy' (don't laugh). There was a girl being sued, because she was renting an apartment, and she let her boyfriend in, who often threw her through the walls, damaging the property. It's even sadder because she seemed to genuinely love him.

There is NOTHING in the world that I consider more important than love. For someone to take that love and-- not only disregard it but abuse someone that loves them is disgusting.

I've only ever known 2 people that have had to put up with domestic abuse. When I found out about the first one, I was too young to do anything about it. When I found out about the second one, she refused to tell me his name. And I swear to you that if I knew it, he would be dead, and I don't mean that as a figure of speech.

I wish there was some job I could get where my job is solely to kick the shit out of those pathetic pieces of scum. There aren't too many things that make me mad, but this is at the top of the list.

I know everyone hates domestic violence, but I think it should bother men the most. Usually men are the perpetrators of it, and it makes men as a whole look bad. We should all do whatever we can to stop it. There is NOTHING in the world that would make me raise my hand to a woman I love or my own child.

I was going to talk about something else too, but I am too worked-up over this, so I will leave you with this song.