This Is A MotherF@$%ing Blog

I use this thing to whine and vent so much, and I appreciate everyone who reads and comments. And guys, if you don't want to, i obviously cannot force you, but if you guys would leave comments with your names, that would really help me, because attaching thoughts to a face makes it easier to interpret them. But please, do whatever you are comfortable with.

Good things have been happening, lately. Well... bad things too, but I am not going to pay those any attention. Fuck those things.

I have newly re-gained self-confidence. If you are a woman and you even suspect I think you are attractive, you should prepare to get flirted with. And if you area guy, and you even suspect I dislike you, prepare to get your ass handed to you intellectually and then if you deem it necessary, physically.

I am in a mood to hug someone with boobs and soft skin and the mood to punch someone hairy with a big mouth.

Look at him. He is just asking for it.

I'm sitting here. Slightly high. And all I can think about is how much I want to play Pokemon and have sex. Traditionally, people who day dream about both of those only get to do one, but I am hoping for both.

I don't know if enough people read this or not, but next time I write, I will answer, honestly, any question that is asked of me in the comments for this. Just sounds likes something fun to do.

My Failed Attempts to End Loneliness

I haven't written anything in a long time, because I assumed that no one cared. I found out someone did care, at least a little. I am sorry to anyone else who potentially cared.

I think a lot of people that know me, and I mean REALLY know me, know that I am really lonely. I have friends, but I am lonely on a deeper level. Basically, I really wish I could fall in love. It is really lame and cheesy. I know. It is just how I feel.

Before very recently, I lacked the backbone to even talk to a girl. I almost wish I had never developed that backbone. I have Asperger's which means I cannot properly communicate with people. Over the past few months, I have had my first 3, genuine infatuations and my first 3, true failures.

First was Kristen. Not much to it, I guess. I have written about this plenty. It was only a partial failure on my part and mainly a fault of juxtaposition.

Second was Ashley. She was the first and only person I ever met with Asperger's. Super nice. Super beautiful. Lot's in common. I felt comfortable with her, so I asked her relatively quickly, at least quickly for my awkward self. She said no. She was nice. She is a good friend now. I am not remorseful about it.

Last was Nicki. I wrote her, explaining how I felt (it was smooth if I say so myself), and I asked for her number. She gave it to me. I really fucked up there. I didn't act properly. I tried texting her, and it was really lame. I even knew she hates texting. I am and was just too terrified to actually call. I don't know if my chance is gone or not, but it probably is and I am not going to make a fool of myself. I feel really bad about this one. She is really cool and unbelievably beautiful. I've been doing my best to at least be her friend, since she is so awesome.

I blame most of my failure on how awkward I am. I try not to be, but it ends in perpetual failure. I also blame some of it on simply being unattractive. It also probably has something to do with not being very confident. I don't know how many women actually read my blog but if there are any....which of those problems do you think it is?

I Suuuuuuck At

I have absolutely nothing to say, but this is an acknowledgment, that I saw the most recent comment on my last post. I will actually write something tomorrow, but after almost 2 months, it is probably way too late.
And even if it may be futile, I will check back every day.

I Love Super Sentai

If we are friends on Facebook, which we likely are, since you are reading this, you may have noticed that for the last 36 days, I have been working on a picture album that is very near and dear to my nerdy heart. What I have done is compiled a miniature encyclopedia of the 35 Super Sentai of Japan. You can see it here. It covers everything from the first sentai, Himitsu Sentai Goranger, all the way up to new, anniversary series Kaizoku Sentai Gokaiger.

Goranger - Gokaiger

Unless you are as big of a nerd as I am, you are probably wondering "What is Super Sentai? Is it just Power Rangers?". I will answer the second question first, since it is the easiest. The short answer is no. The long answer is that Super Sentai, while stylistically similar to Power Rangers, is different in its tone and character/story depth. Let me give you an example:

In the original Power Rangers, the story was that the evil witch Rita Repulsa and her minions were sealed away by Zordon, because she is evil. She has no motivation; she is just evil. In the series it is based on, Kyoryuu Sentai Zyuranger, the evil witch Bandora was sealed away by the wizard Barza, when she tried to kill the dinosaurs, because a Tyrannosaurus inadvertently killed her son. This sent the once good woman into a rage. Here is another example from the same two series: In Power Rangers, the Green Ranger is a teenager who moves to town and becomes evil for a short time, when Rita places a spell on him. In Zyuranger, the green ranger is Burai, Geki's (red ranger) brother, who is resentful for being raised by their father's enemy. Rather than losing his powers like the green ranger, Burai dies.

In terms of demographic appeal, think of Super Sentai as more of a Simpsons than a Power Rangers (obviously not content-wise). It, like the Simpsons, appeals to people of most ages.

In order to answer the second question, allow me to give a brief history of Super Sentai. The first two Super Sentai were Himitsu Sentai Goranger and Dengekitai JAKQ. These were created by Shotaro Ishinomori, in 1975 and 1977. They were the origin of the team of super heroes aspect, that is in all following Super Sentai series. In 1978, Marvel Comics teamed-up with Toei Productions to create a live-action Spider-Man to air in Japan. For some weird (read: awesome) reason, Spider-Man piloted a giant robot, in this series. After this series, Marvel once again approached Toei to do a Captain America adaptation, with the same director, Saburo Yatsude. Things fell through and Yatsude ended up creating Battle Fever J, which is the first Super Sentai to have a giant robot. Essentially, Spider-Man and Marvel as a whole are responsible for Super Sentai AND Power Rangers existing in the form we know them in. Every series afterwards has kept the two, defining aspects of Super Sentai: a team of color-coded heroes and a giant robot.

I think sums it all up. I guess to end it, I will leave you with what amounts to the Alphabet Song of Super Sentai.

Super Special Awesome - J & Other Stuff

I'm going to start listing what I am listening to as I write, since I am always listening to SOMETHING.

WIALT: Stand Up & Scream (2009) - Asking Alexandria

The past few days have been amazing. In the months before, I found myself crying out of sadness and loneliness. Now, I find myself crying because things have 180'ed so much, and I am happy.

I think the thing that matters to me most is that "J", has talked to me, a little bit. I have no idea how it is that she feels, but I will take it where ever she wants. I doubt we will ever be where we were before. It is sad but to be expected; it would be silly to expect anyone to trust me, after that. Though, me being the emotionally spastic person that I am, easily forgives anything; she is very sweet, but I doubt she is so forgiving (I wish she were). I think I explained how I felt when it happened, but I am going to explain to everyone again, now that I have had a chance to heal and think.

I felt as though I had been fundamentally betrayed by my best friend. I wanted to hurt her equally, so I did the worst thing I could think of. I over-reacted. I would never have dreamed of hurting her at all, under any other circumstance. I'm a loyal person; I swear. I just...am a crazy, vengeful bastard, and I hate myself for it.

Since she doesn't feel comfortable talking to me any other way, I will relay everything to her via blog, until she feels more comfortable.

This bit is just to her:

I'm pretty sure you don't trust me. I don't think you like me very much. I don't know how much you are capable of or willing to trust and love me again, but I want you to know that just a short time after everything happened, I went back to feeling exactly how I always had. You probably perceive that as being silly or stupid, but it is what happened. It's the reason half my blog is about you; venting was the only thing that made it work for me. Anyway... I love you, and I will talk to you whenever and however you want. I really, really hope things can get-- past this bit where you feel uncomfortable and maybe even to where things are at least a tiny bit like before. I am very happy you are giving me a chance, and I want you to know that everything is up to you. We'll become exactly as close as you want. LOVE <3

Last and least, I have been playing Pokemon White and listening to lots of deadmau5. These things are just icing on my redemption cake.

...It's a cheesecake. ...I don't know why a cheesecake has icing.

/bad metaphor

Now if you will excuse me, I am going to go look at kitteh roulette (thank you, J).

Desperation & A Lack of Resolution

Let me preface all of this with stating that coherently organizing and expressing emotions is incredibly difficult, nigh impossible, when you have both manic depression and autism, so even I am not sure about how representative what I am going to say will be of my true feelings. Also, I have a really bad joke I plan to make, in order to keep this readable so... sorry for that one in advance. =D

Yesterday, I realized that I had comments on mah blog from "J". Now, because I am the sherlock-esque master of mystery solving that I am, I have deduced that there is a 90% probability that it is, in fact, the person I refer to from time-to-time as J. Why 90%? Because I pulled that out of my ass. If you want an answer that is not from my ass, then I will just say that more likely than not, it is. And really, how many people do you know that go by one letter for a name?

I can think of 1

Why do I care so much? Because while I had buried the internal strife I had over that, it was really just covered in a layer of dust created by time, rather than any actual, emotional closure. I would just text J and ask but I technically promised to never text her again, so... I can't. However, whomever the mystery commenter is will see this, if they read this blog. I am not sure whether I want it to actually be her or not. However, I guess that if the pain of it all is still fresh in my heart after this much time, my feelings for her were deeply ingrained, so overall, I hope it is her.

So, if you read this and it is you...please reply so at the very least, I can stop stressing. Because you know me; I will stress about this; forever. I am emotionally irrational.

Something I Actually Care About - J

I-- think I should read my blog comments more. I just read a comment, and when I did, I did this:

It was from "J". Now I ask you, is the the same J that I refer to as J? And if it is... Am I allowed to speak to you again?