WIALT: Stand Up & Scream (2009) - Asking Alexandria
The past few days have been amazing. In the months before, I found myself crying out of sadness and loneliness. Now, I find myself crying because things have 180'ed so much, and I am happy.
I think the thing that matters to me most is that "J", has talked to me, a little bit. I have no idea how it is that she feels, but I will take it where ever she wants. I doubt we will ever be where we were before. It is sad but to be expected; it would be silly to expect anyone to trust me, after that. Though, me being the emotionally spastic person that I am, easily forgives anything; she is very sweet, but I doubt she is so forgiving (I wish she were). I think I explained how I felt when it happened, but I am going to explain to everyone again, now that I have had a chance to heal and think.
I felt as though I had been fundamentally betrayed by my best friend. I wanted to hurt her equally, so I did the worst thing I could think of. I over-reacted. I would never have dreamed of hurting her at all, under any other circumstance. I'm a loyal person; I swear. I just...am a crazy, vengeful bastard, and I hate myself for it.
Since she doesn't feel comfortable talking to me any other way, I will relay everything to her via blog, until she feels more comfortable.
This bit is just to her:
I'm pretty sure you don't trust me. I don't think you like me very much. I don't know how much you are capable of or willing to trust and love me again, but I want you to know that just a short time after everything happened, I went back to feeling exactly how I always had. You probably perceive that as being silly or stupid, but it is what happened. It's the reason half my blog is about you; venting was the only thing that made it work for me. Anyway... I love you, and I will talk to you whenever and however you want. I really, really hope things can get-- past this bit where you feel uncomfortable and maybe even to where things are at least a tiny bit like before. I am very happy you are giving me a chance, and I want you to know that everything is up to you. We'll become exactly as close as you want. LOVE <3
Last and least, I have been playing Pokemon White and listening to lots of deadmau5. These things are just icing on my redemption cake.
...It's a cheesecake. ...I don't know why a cheesecake has icing.
/bad metaphor
Now if you will excuse me, I am going to go look at kitteh roulette (thank you, J).
