I think a lot of people that know me, and I mean REALLY know me, know that I am really lonely. I have friends, but I am lonely on a deeper level. Basically, I really wish I could fall in love. It is really lame and cheesy. I know. It is just how I feel.
Before very recently, I lacked the backbone to even talk to a girl. I almost wish I had never developed that backbone. I have Asperger's which means I cannot properly communicate with people. Over the past few months, I have had my first 3, genuine infatuations and my first 3, true failures.
First was Kristen. Not much to it, I guess. I have written about this plenty. It was only a partial failure on my part and mainly a fault of juxtaposition.
Second was Ashley. She was the first and only person I ever met with Asperger's. Super nice. Super beautiful. Lot's in common. I felt comfortable with her, so I asked her relatively quickly, at least quickly for my awkward self. She said no. She was nice. She is a good friend now. I am not remorseful about it.
Last was Nicki. I wrote her, explaining how I felt (it was smooth if I say so myself), and I asked for her number. She gave it to me. I really fucked up there. I didn't act properly. I tried texting her, and it was really lame. I even knew she hates texting. I am and was just too terrified to actually call. I don't know if my chance is gone or not, but it probably is and I am not going to make a fool of myself. I feel really bad about this one. She is really cool and unbelievably beautiful. I've been doing my best to at least be her friend, since she is so awesome.
I blame most of my failure on how awkward I am. I try not to be, but it ends in perpetual failure. I also blame some of it on simply being unattractive. It also probably has something to do with not being very confident. I don't know how many women actually read my blog but if there are any....which of those problems do you think it is?
J here.
ReplyDeleteI personally believe it's because you psyche yourself out. You scare yourself. It's a mental block you put on yourself because of your fear of messing things up. You seem to stick yourself in a loop. But I think you can get past it with enough effort. It might seem like a lot, but it's worth it.
I guess. But when i look at myself i don't see that I have any qualities worthwhile for anyone's time.
ReplyDeleteWhen I was able to get Nicki's number, I was super proud, but then i looked at myself and thought that she could do better. Why was both our times.
You do. You're smart and, quite frankly, hilarious. You just need to assess less.
ReplyDeleteAlso, I like that rhyme.
waste both*
ReplyDeleteFinding the right one only takes one good occurrence. Until then just put up with the crap like a gentleman and behave as such. Just carry yourself and continue. You can't believe you are awesome you just gotta know it. Keep knowing it and soon things will be looking up. Look at yourself in a better light. There are few people in this world with your intellect, that is yours, use it and persevere.
ReplyDelete....S-s-santa Claus?
ReplyDelete